Today at church, I lost it emotionally. This Wednesday, I go in for my neurology appointment, so I decided to ask the congregation to be in prayer for us. As I walked up front, I knew there was no way to do this in front of so many people who I love without crying. Understand, I am not a pretty cryer. Tears do not just come slipping out of my eyes. Rather, my whole respiratory system is involved.
Of course, it wasn't just friends that saw this, but my kids as well. As soon as I got back to my seat, the girls bombarded me with, "Mama, why you cryin up there?" And in the van home, from Colin, "What were you up there crying about?" Emily said nothing, even after I asked her if she wanted to talk about it.
It's hard being the parents in a situation when everything seems out of control. You want to shelter your children from scary realities, yet, they know something's not quite right at home. They get it on some level. So, how much information is enough or even not enough, when really, it's my fears that are behind all of this emotion. I definitely don't want to burden them with fear.
When I was Emily's age, our house burned down. I remember hearing the fire trucks racing toward a fire, I remember the walk from my classroom to the office where my parents were waiting to tell us. I remember the smell that bombarded me when the door to the office was opened. I remember quite a few "snapshots" from the next few weeks. I remember as a child being scared, yet having parents, who must have shed quite a few tears, comfort us. However, I never remember despair or hopelessness. I remember God's faithfulness to our family & my parents trust in Him.
I'm finding that we are all scarred by something. Scarring is a reminder of those things that hurt us. However, if my children are going to be scarred by witnessing my crying, I want them to mostly remember our faithfulness to a God who's got this (& every) situation under control. I want them to remember that even though there were tears, there was (& is) no hopelessness.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
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2 comments:
This post brought back many memories. First, your cheeks and eyes red with tears. Second, the smell of smoke, Third, the cabbage patch dolls you got from your grandparents. I think I secretly wished our house might burn too, just to get a cabbage patch.
I think it's good for kids to see tears. The last thing I ever want is for my kids to feel discomfort by the expression of emotion.
Thought and prayers for you this week.
I think it's good for children to see parents process emotion. While it may feel scary at the time I think they'll be glad later on.
I'm thinking of you today, and hoping that your appointment goes well and finds some answers for you. :)
-Lisa
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